I really struggled to write this. I could tell you lots of ways Jesus has changed my life; I could tell you about when my family moved to England from South Africa and I felt lost and out of place, and how He found me and loved me. I could tell you about what it’s like growing up with a sister who is severely disabled and how in a broken world I see His pure joy through her. If I’m really honest there are things in my life which show Jesus’ power the most, that I’m just not brave enough to talk about on such a public forum. However, this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus.
Revelation of heart leads to the renewal of heart. Growing up in a Christian home and going to a Christian school, I could have very easily floated along as a ‘cultural Christian’. I knew all the Sunday school answers off by heart and to some extent did believe in God. However, I didn’t fully understand what it meant to live for Him. God in His kindness showed me my heart. At the time, I thought the Bible was asking for sacrifice, a sacrifice I just couldn’t make. So I pursued the desires of my heart and rejected Him, but when I looked to the world to find love, acceptance and support, instead I found loneliness, hurt and pain. The Lord showed me how empty my desires were. He revealed my heart and it was broken. When I left school He drew me back to Him. I took a gap year, I was in a new country where no one knew me and no one could hold me accountable. I saw people around me who had come to ‘find themselves’ but the longer I stayed the more I saw how empty the promises of this world are. Drinking, sex and even just that Instagram worthy sunset never satisfies that longing to find something more than this. As He started to renew my heart I realised living for Him doesn’t mean loss. That in His death and resurrection Jesus was offering me life. It hasn’t been perfect since I became a Christian. Alone, I am helpless but with God I have the power to overcome sin - and that is a game changer. It means we can be free to live life to the full, in Him. Life without Him, is full of pain but He takes my burden, He set me free and everyday that I live trusting in God He shows me how even in my weakness He is utterly faithful. God knew what we needed most was a saviour, and He loves me so much that He sent His son to die in my place. I still stumble, and the sinful nature of my heart is continually being revealed to me BUT I can rejoice fully in Jesus Christ our Lord, because of Him I am fighting a battle that I can be confident will end in victory.
I have never felt more weak or out of control but I have also never felt more loved, more secure and certain that there is indeed more than this.